Camille Fenn

https://vimeo.com/88970481

Don’t Tell My Mom

I was almost asleep by the time he got there. I was in my pajamas. I always pictured my first time would be perfect. We would start hooking up at the doorway and leave a trail of our clothes behind us to the bedroom. Or maybe we’d do it in the living room in front of the fire like in the Notebook. But here I was. I was falling asleep on the pull out couch waiting for him to get here after his prom. 

I used to say that I kept a list on my phone just so I could keep their order straight but I don’t know what it really was that made me start counting. I don’t even remember when I started counting. Was my number getting too high? Was I starting to forget some of them? Was it that bad? 

Jesse was always trying to get me to call him “daddy”. “Call me daddy, first”, he’d say. Daniel thought he was funny. Mike was ridiculously tall. How did we even make that work? Sven made me laugh. Zach was way too high. I can’t even remember his last name. Mikail carried me to his room. Josh was the one with the chest piece. Or did Brandon have the chest piece? Or was he the one with the stupid tattoo on his back? Or was he the one who played lacrosse? Or wouldn’t stop talking about himself? 

I’ve had sex with tall guys and guys with perfect teeth or nose piercings or tattoos on their butts. I’ve had sex with guys from Texas and guys who swim. I’ve had sex with guys with girlfriends and ROTC guys and guys with arms the size of my head. Black guys and white guys and guys with girly names like Jesse.

Patrick was obsessed with my butt that Lawrence said was fun to play with that Dylan kept hitting that Hunter kept slapping. Or was it Sven who would sext me and Kohl was the one who called when Nick just sent me, “Where are you?”. Justin didn’t need to say anything at all.  “Yeah. I fucked that bitch.” Richard told everyone. It was Lawrence who started dating that blonde girl the next day. Hunter was a blonde too. And I’ve never heard from Zach again. Jesse always calls me when he’s drunk. Which I don’t mind as much as Ryan throwing up in my bathroom or Hunter telling everyone or Kohl who had no idea what he was doing. Literally no idea. And let’s not forget Jamal who sent me to the hospital. Dylan held me against that wall. He held me up against the wall and wrapped my legs around him. 

I took Kevin’s virginity. And Jesse’s. And Sven’s. Was it special for them?

I had always thought my first time would be perfect and would feel great. 

But I lost it to Lawrence and he started dating his prom date two days after. 

Easily surpassing double digits, I’m still looking for that perfect experience. He wouldn’t leave in the middle of the night. He wouldn’t talk about himself the entire time. He wouldn’t smell badly or be too drunk or call me the wrong name. He wouldn’t ask me to call him “daddy” or be too high. He wouldn’t just booty call me or mass text me or ignore me the next day.

I used to say that I kept a list on my phone just so I could keep their order straight but I don’t know what it really was that made me start counting. I don’t even remember when I started counting. Was my number getting too high? Was I starting to forget some of them? Was it that bad?